The satirical Christmas quiz: part one of three

Santa is very sad and feels too many people lack the Christmas spirit, so let’s cheer him up with this satirical Kent and Surrey-themed quiz. You never know – if you do well, he may put something in your stocking that isn’t an inheritance tax demand.

Everything in this quiz is quite untrue, made up or fake.

Or is it?

Over the next three days, we’ll test your political and general knowledge (and sanity?) with 32 questions on everything from politics, transport, Donald Trump and (unfortunately) Nigel Farage.

Warning: This quiz may blur the lines between reality and fiction and is best attempted after several glasses of festive sherry. This is a multiple-choice quiz and there are no ‘right’ answers as in some cases there may be more than one appropriate choice. That decision, dear reader, is yours.

1 – When did the Tory party last lose so many seats during a general election?

1. The last Ice Age
2. The signing of the Magna Carta
3. When Ann Widdecombe was a girl
4. Never, as The Blob stole the election from the Tory party (Sorry, wrong country)

2 – Who was fired from their position as chief of staff at number 10 Downing Street?

1. Mr Blue Sky
2. The Jolly Green Giant
3. Sue Gray
4. Captain Scarlet

3 – Who has cut the £300 winter fuel allowance for OAPs?

1. The Grinch
2. Baron Hardup
3. Keir Starmer
4. Ebeneezer Scrooge

4 – When Rishi Sunak gave his speech announcing the general election in the pouring rain, which of the following statements was true:

1. The BBC weather forecasting app said to expect 400c temperatures
2. Even turkeys know when to get under cover when it’s raining
3. Sunak was trying out his new invisible raincoat and umbrella which he had just purchased on eBay for the bargain price of £5,000
4. It was a geo-engineered storm gone wrong
5. Sunak had no fear of the rain as his trousers were already eight inches above his ankles, thus preventing the bottoms from getting wet

5 – Who will not be invited to the P&O office party this year?

1. Gordon Booth
2. Captain Morgan
3. Johnnie Walker
4. Louise Haigh

6 – What is the Reform UK slogan this Christmas?

1. They Don’t Make Christmas Puddings Like They Used To
2. Make Nigel Grate Again
3. Remember You’re a Womble
4. Has Anyone Seen Nigel?
5. We Do Whatever Steve Bannon Tells Us
6. Bah Humbug!

7 – Stagecoach is working on a new ad campaign. What is its strapline?

1. Someday my bus will come
2. Let the train take the strain
3. Never knowingly on time
4. The wheels on the bus are owned by the shareholders

8 – Kent County Council is having yet another pothole blitz. Is it:

1. Something they last did in World War Two
2. An ice lolly you can eat while waiting for the AA to repair your car after it fell into a pothole
3. What garages do to your bank account after repairing pothole damage to your car
4. A conspiracy theory and part of the war against the motorist

9 – Which of these doesn’t exist?

1. Father Christmas
2. Clean waterways in the UK
3. An honest Conservative politician
4. Anyone in the housing industry not seeking a humongous level of profit
5. An NHS doctor
6. All of the above

10 – Where will you be hanging your Christmas stocking this year?

1. At Lord Alli’s place in the hope of a donation
2. I won’t, because I cannot afford stockings and heat my home after losing the winter fuel allowance
3. Not over the fireplace like last year – who knew stockings were so flammable
4. At the Dartford Crossing as a climate change protest

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