January
- I predict a possible general election in this month, won either by the Tory party or Labour.
- Rishi Sunak will raze Denmark to the ground after he stood on of his kid’s lego pieces in bare feet during the Christmas holidays.
- Good news! Keir Starmer will solve the national debt and funding crisis: He buys a metal detector.
- Bad news! He tries it out in a red wall seat somewhere north of Hampstead. So far he has dug up a Ford Cortina, and a Des O’Connor album.
- Rachel Reeves wacks him over the head with a spade after mistaking him for a wonky gate post, because he is so wooden.
February
- I predict a possible general election in this month, won either by the Tory party or Labour.
- Jeremy Clarkson will be eaten by his own pigs at Diddly Squat Farm. Diddly Squat sausages are offered on a BOGOF deal.
- There will be three diplomatic appointments this year: Suella Braverman as ambassador to Rwanda,because she loves the place so much and it will give her plenty of opportunity to make a lifestyle choice. Grant Shapps as ambassador to Tuvalu, so he can see for himself, just what climate change really means. Nigel Farage will be UK Consul to South Georgia, so he can see if the Penguins will vote him off the island.
March
- I predict a possible general election in this month, won either by the Tory party or Labour.
- Rishi Sunak re-enacts the Great Escape by deporting the ERG to Rwanda and giving them an EVRI parcel delivery agent’s sat nav.
- Jeremy Hunt fails to exhibit the UK’s gold reserves during the budget, because he does not want to damage the piggy bank.
- The Reform party cancels its annual conference because the weather is a bit cold and Vera is showing on ITV3.
April
- I predict a possible general election in this month, won either by the Tory party or Labour.
- Thanks to South West Water, Brownsea Island, Poole,now lives up to its name.
- Vladimir Putin changes his first name to ‘Ras’.
- The British Museum’s scheme to enable the return of its missing artefacts, allegedly sold off on Ebay, finds a snag, when someone tries to pass off a Ford Cortina and Des O’Connor album as being Roman.
May
- I predict a possible general election in this month, won either by the Tory party or Labour.
- The latest word to enter the Oxford English Dictionary (OED) is ‘Crashcouncil’, which is a new word replacing the term Local Government.
- Ryanair charges extra for oxygen during its flights,Those unable or unwilling to pay, will have to hold their breath.
June
- I predict a possible general election in this month, won either by the Tory party or Labour.
- Sir David Attenborough finds a new species of dinosaur Conservatorus incontinancia. Sir David thinks the dinosaur became extinct because of its habit of consuming its own tail.
- Southeastern runs a rail service according to the timetable.
- The Government offers free holidays to Rwanda. Passports are not necessary.
July
- I predict a possible general election in this month, won either by the Tory party or Labour.
- ‘30p Lee’has been renamed ‘60p Lee’, because of inflation.
- Southern Water applied a hose pipe ban in Kent.
- Widespread floods in Kent enable asylum seekers to float by rubber dinghy,directly to the processing centre in Manston.
August
- I predict a possible general election in this month, won either by the Tory party or Labour.
- The annual army manoeuvres at Salisbury plain turn into chaos, when it is found that all the engines in the Challenger 2 tanks were sold by Grant Shapps to fund the MOD Christmas party.
- Stagecoach SE introduced their new B Type bus, stating it was the latest thing in 1910. This brings the average age of the fleet to 110 years.
September
- I predict a possible general election in this month, won either by the Tory party or Labour.
- Keir Starmer allows Jeremy Corbyn to stand for Labour at the next general election. Jeremy will be standing as Labour’s candidate in South Georgia, where his profound knowledge of dialectical materialism and marxist ideology is bound to be a hit with the penguins.
- The Post office delivers a letter from Mr A. Hitler, declaring war on Britain.
October
- I predict a possible general election in this month, won either by the Tory party or Labour.
- Doctor Who complains that in a recent visit to the 18th Century, he found Jacob Rees Mogg already living there.
- The Conservative party decides to reform into 3 new parties: The Peoples Popular Conservative party, The Democratic Conservative Popular Front, and the anyone but Johnson party.
November
- I predict a possible general election in this month, won either by the Tory party or Labour.
- Nigel Farage is convicted of election fraud, after he was caught trying to pass off a penguin, as a voter.
- Rishi Sunak introduces a new scheme to save the economy called ‘vote out to push out’. It is sometimes also known as a general election.
December
- I predict a possible general election in this month, won either by the Tory party or Labour. If not it will be in January, because a general election will be mandatory.
- Christmas is cancelled on the orders of the Bank of England because it might cause an uptick in inflationary pressure. Mr E. Scrooge the new Governor, states are there no food banks or central african countries available to deport the poor, after all poverty is a lifestyle choice?
- Civilisation comes to an end, when Rishi Sunak’s pool cleaner, mixes up the mains water supply with the champagne storage tank and creates the pool party of the century.
